I was doing some spring cleaning in my room and I found one of my diaries. I flipped through the pages and read the content until I reached to the part when love had to go to Taiwan for the second time.

8th January 2008:
He’s leaving today. He’ll leave in hours. Met up just now, 7th January 2008. Even though it is awhile, worth meeting up. =) I’ve missed him even before he leaves. Talked for awhile on the phone too. I didn’t know why I felt that hard to let him go this time. He said it was hard for him too. We hope to go through this fast. Let get things done and get it over. The sooner the better. His tears touched me. Really. Not the first I must say. Pray for him every time.

His last call before he went into his flight, it was exactly 1230. I had to hide all the tears, so as not to make him teared too. Every time I think about him, I just teared. But, I have to tell myself, be strong and he will be back soon. He promised to call when he have time. I will always wait for that. It’s only day 1, and am already feeling lonely. Not knowing what to do. It made me realized how much he meant to me now. He’s almost everything. It’s hard this time. Hopefully, things will end soon. Am missing boyfriend a lot.

Bila Terasa Rindu – Dafi
Apa agaknya khabarmu di sana?
Di sini ku sedang dibelenggu rindu
Beginikah rasa seksa perpisahan
Sungguh anehnya hidup berasingan

Hati terasa bagai tertinggal di situ
Meskipun tubuh dah jauh beribu batu
Sesaat seperti setahun lamanya
Semasa kau tiada
Apa yang terdaya...

[Chorus]
Bila terasa rindu ku sebut namamu
Dengan harapan kau akan muncul dalam tidur
Bila terasa rindu ku bayang wajahmu dalam angan
Dan barulah ku terasa bagai disembuh...

Oh... Jauh sekali hidup di sini berbeza
Beribu kali lagi ku selesa di sana
Tak sabar menantikan detik kepulangan
Namun hingga itu
Apa yang termampu...

[Repeat chorus]

Terlintas di fikiran untuk meminggirkan saja
Semua pencarian di sini
Tetapi ini sebahagian dari pengorbanan
Bekalan andainya hari sukar mencabar...

[Repeat chorus]


9th January 2008:
Had a hard time waking up and at 0942hrs BOYFRIEND called. After hearing his voice, it gives me motivation. And so, i bathed and went to school =) he sound sad. I can sensed it. hopefully he’s doing fine there. I miss him a lot. Will miss him a lot. I’m missing him a lot already. And it’s only Day 2!!!

10th January 2008:
Day 3. And yes. I miss him more today. Waiting for his call still. He’s busy with work over there. Hopefully he’s doing fine and well. Boyfriend I miss you. =(

11th January 2008:
Day 4. He called this morning at 1058hrs. Man, I felt like tearing when he called. I miss him like I’ve never missed him before. Miss him a lot. Not feeling well. Feeling sick. That’s it.

12th January 2008:
Day 5. It’s Saturday. Worked till 8. Like so not me to work on Saturday. I miss boyfriend already. Like more than yesterday. Call, call, call I will wait.

When You’re Gone – Avril Lavigne
I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too

When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through
The day and make it ok
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
And when you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too

And when you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through
The day and make it ok
I miss you

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah

And all I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
And when you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too

And when you're gone
All the words I need to hear will always get me through
The day and make it ok
I miss you

14th January 2008:
Am having a head spin now. Don’t know why. Hopefully I will be ok. It’s 1 week already. I can’t stop thinking of him. Miss him that much. Wander how he’s doing there. Maybe he having trainings, orientation and he’s busy. But nvrm. Still wait for his call. And I miss his late night calls already. Darling, I miss you!!!

15th January 2008:
Am lazy today. But yeah. Received a private number today when I was having my test. But I never answer. I’m afraid that it is my boyfriend. I’m longing for his voice now. Call soon boyfriend. I miss you ouh so badly. Love you dy!

16th January 2008:
It is just not my day. And I’m totally unhappy. Phone is giving problem. And so, I had no choice but to use my other phone. Man, I don’t like ok. Shall change phone already man. I don’t want. And man I’m sad. Still no call. Miss miss miss.

17th January 2008:
Day 10 it is and I can’t tolerate the loneliness already. Man, this is hard. This is bad. Having him in Singapore is far way better please. Come back soon boyfriend!!!
Am ouh-so-moody please. Stress. Sad.

22nd January 2008:
He called yesterday. Not once but TWICE eh!!! Happy to the max la. Loved him like I always do of course. Huhu. 20:07:54, 23:02:22. Duration 00:06:08, 00:14:46 respectively. Yes, the both of us cannot stand the situation already. We want next week to come soon. Oud pretty please. It’s already half way through the journey. I’m sure things will go fine. How I miss him nobody knows. He’s coming back. Yes, I’m fetching him!!! Very happy. Let’s see what can we do. Boyfriend is loved!!!

23rd January 2008:
I felt lonely. Super lonely. I wish he’s here with me. I’ve not been getting what I need. His voice, his msgs, almost everything. Next sounds so next year. Man, that’s long. Come soon next week. And yes he called AGAIN. 12:54:26 for 00:06:59 min. Happy. Yet sad.

24th January 2008:
21:27:43 for 00:02:47.

27th January 2008:
19:37:17 for 00:06:11.
Since he’s in Taiwan, his calls are all unpredictable. Am missing him so much. Very much. I can’t wait to fetch him and spend the time with him. And it’s 6 more days. 20 days already.

28th January 2008:
Monday. Monday blue. I hate Monday. Nothing make my day. I felt so bored. And again, when night comes, I feel so lonely. Without the boyfriend’s voice. I miss him a lot. 5 days to go. And I can’t wait for the moment. Waiting for his next call still. Soon soon soon. Hopefully.

30th January 2008:
22:11 for 00:04 mins.

31st January 2008:
It’s Thursday. Fast. And 2 more days he’ll be back. I’m so happy. Hopefully he will call me tmr to have updates. I feel so...happy. cannot wait to see him. I miss him a lot.

1st February 2008:
20:03 he called twice but never answer due to work =( 23:07, 00:14:48, 00:00:56
23:31, 00:13:15
That is almost half an hour yeay!!! =)

2nd February 2008:
16:36, 00:01:01 saying he’s preparing to come back =)
20:45, 00:01:44 saying his flight is going to go soon. Sungguh ghairah + happy like finally.


All that in my diary. I know the English is somehow all over the place. But’s it’s ok. Just by reading that, it makes me feel the exact same feeling that I had during those times, really. It wasn’t easy at all.

When he is unavoidable, I just can’t shut for long. I keep on longing for him every single time. When I know my love is true, all I want is you to understand and know that.

Labels: Diary

Almost a month since I last blogged a post. I have nothing much to blog about. Nothing special happened to me. Even if I were to blog frequently, all I'll talk about will be about work, myself and relationship perhaps.

It's another day at home during the public holiday. And it feels... I don't know.

My work, have been a roller coaster especially this week. I'm somehow glad that part of it is over. More things coming up and I hope that I'm prepared for it. To progress, I'll pull myself through all obstacles, stand on my two feets and do my best in every single thing that I need to achieve what I want.

I'm currently waiting for my english test results from RELC. It have been 3 weeks since I sat for the test and the results have yet to be out.

Also, my application for another position is pending. It's only going to 2 weeks since I applied but it feels so long. I really hope I'll get through it.

Talking about work, it is really not so bad. I guess it is norm to have some unwanted acts from people and it just makes you so frustrated and irritated. Well I'm no near to perfect, because I've done mistakes too. To me, we can always learn from one another.

Being in the status that I'm in, I have a whole lot of responsibilities to carry out and also in fulfilling the commitments that I'm in. It is never easy, especially being engaged. Obstacles and challenges come one after another every single time and things get very unpredictable everytime.

Not everything is the same. Everyone and anyone can be in a relationship, but the process and journey is different for every couple. When some thought that it is about going through every single thing together, others may think that it is about giving space to each other. Some will have a combination of both. Communicating, understanding and then compromising.

When we think we are always communicating, there's still communication breakdown. Communication is never enough and will have no end. When we think we have shared and said everything to each other, there are still those little pieces of thoughts left lingering around. Why are we still in this kind of position when we're not supposed to?

Love itself is complicated. When it is good, everything is in place nicely. When it is bad, everything is all over the place.

When we're in good terms, we will let out words of love. When we're in not good terms, we will let out words of harshness.

None is perfect, even myself. I learn to accept and I learn to change. And I hate to demand. I don't remember demanding for anything. But, why not? How true is this phrase, 'Ask, and you shall be given'?

When we know our love is true, all we want is the other half to understand and know that.

I'm out now.

Labels: love., self, work

At times, people doesn't help at all. In fact, they just add on to it. Just like rubbing salt to the wound.

I can get crazy any time. Already emotionally breaking down, and yet people just have to make me mentally break down too. Thank you uh, thank you so much. I appreciate it so much, really.

I'm not a kid, I can read in between your lines. Already you're all not helping me by at least understanding my situation and now you're telling me you're in need of bucks. I told you frankfully what I've plan, and what I get? All those negative words. Please uh, I know I don't have a perfect attitutde, but at least, give me that moral support instead of giving me all those negative thoughts of yours.

Please, open up and understand. That's all I ask for. I keep on pondering, who else do I turn to if not him?

Ok, enough. Seriously I'm sick being in this $%#&@*#^#%#&#*#&#^$@$.

Labels: turning me crazy

Officially I have 15 minutes for me to start work. Starting of the month ends with an event and now, we are going to start brainstorming and planning for another event. Sports Carnival it is, which will take place end of this month.

Yes, it may be 4 weeks away, but the brainstorming and planning will take a whole lot of time. Last year, we took a few weeks to brainstorm with changes here and there (plus all other stuff in between) and preparing for it took more than a week!

Keeping in mind, I have a test next Monday which I don't know how I'm going to manage it and worst prepare for it. Thinking about it really doesn't motivate me at all. And worst of all the worsts, I'm not looking forward to it at all.

Good luck Ju, in going through this month of April (please note month number 4 - not being superstitious but at times, it's true).

I can't be bothered with work now. FYI, the bell just rang.

Labels: just sit and rot.

I can't feel my normal self. Yes, and I hate it. Since Friday, either TV-ing or Facebook-ing. I can't bring myself to do anything else. Lazing around, is all I do. My weekend routine gone down the drain this week. But I really hope my strength will come back.

I had 1 packet of instant fried noodles late afternoon yesterday and a bowl of KoKo Krunch for supper. I've to force myself to sleep yet again last night. When I woke up, I found myself searching for my handphone with just a picture of him and me which I set as wallpaper. I was hoping to see something. Something that will show me "Saini Love".

At this point of time, I'm still TV-ing and Facebook-ing. I don't felt like eating, but adik served me some breakfast that mum prepared. Didn't have the heart to reject him, so had a few bite.

Short-tempered. I have always been. I've tried to avoid it. But, how do I avoid it totally? I really need it away from me. I've been holding my temper for a while. But, that fine Thursday, it just have to come back.

Many things happened on Thursday. Had to complete a ppt on the spot, PAL, staff fitness day, contact time and then an event till evening. Days before had a meeting and some personal meet ups with teachers for the event. I had so much butterflies in my stomach on Thursday. The best part was, someone just had to add stuff into my head. For the first time, I just had to speak my mind out. 10 months I hold myself, I control myself. When I start to speak, it just means, enough is enough. As much as I respect you because of your age, but you just don't let me to continue with that.

One thing happened on Friday. Just that one thing. Just that one situation. Now, I feel like slapping myself.

Dear Love,

If you're reading this, I'm sorry. I really would like to apologise to you. Please know, I love you with all my heart. I really do.

Labels: In need of strength

Finding time to blog is really a challenge for me. If I'm not tired, I'm simply in no-mood to blog or by the time I have-mood to blog, I don't know where to start! I don't even know who read my blog. It is so near to dead. I'm considering leaving this blog as it is, for re-reading purposes and have a private corner to pen down what I want.

Anyway, it's been 4 days since I last met my love. I miss him already, like always. Next week will be a long week. With an event on Thursday evening (what a day to have an evening event, the next day is a public holiday!). But it's ok, Friday will still be a public holiday and it's still a holiday and it's gonna be another long weekend! All I need now is another fulfilling date with my love. I need it badly =( Ok dah.

Love you dy! Miss you a lot eh pls. MUAH!

Labels: A Challenge to Blog, Another Long Week, Another Long Weekend, I MISS MY LOVE., Private Corner

At times, all we need is space like a getaway session from our daily life routine. The short trip to Negeri Sembilan made me realize all we need is just that, although we went with family members. We need not buy anything expensive or spend a few thousands. Pampering ourselves with good food, mini shopping sessions and some touring sessions are good enough. I really hope that I could have a few more of such outings in the near future.

I’ve thought about my future plans. Being a CCPE is a good stepping stone for me to experience the working life. It is time to make another step to make another life progression. Insya’ Allah, the plan that I have in mind will go on smoothly.

We have past a quarter of the year and I believe there are a lot more for us in the next three quarter. Let’s pray that everything will continue to get better, Insya’ Allah.

To my beloved Mohammad Saini Bin Arshad
Dy, I’m truly happy that we are at the same pace heading towards our goal. We’ll pull through the obstacles and work together to make each and every day a better one for us. All you have to always keep in mind is, I love you with all my heart, really.
- Written with hugs, kisses and uncountable love -

Labels: 1st Quarter

I’m packed with workload since last week. Good thing I’m not shag as yet, just tired. I have hours of time off to claim, but things kept on coming. How to clear my time off like that! Some loads are still pending on my desk. I did thought of bringing some back, but dropped the idea because I need this long weekend to recharge myself. When work starts on Wednesday, it’s already CCA Day. All the more I need the long rest.

Anyway, love and myself got our new phones on the 28th last month. Love seems so relaxed, but I know inside him, he was as excited as me if not even more! Unlike me I already had a wide smile on my face when we reached at the entrance of Sembawang Shopping Centre Carpark. After all the processes, we headed to Starbucks for some drinks and of course to explore our new phone. Somehow somewhat, our phone looks like the picture below.



We went to East Coast Park on the 1st last month. We managed to locate the spot where we first met. The place is all changed. Even the benches are moved to the newly built pathway. Somehow we felt that the garden built should have more shelter because it is scorching hot in the afternoon! Shall bring our baby back there at night =) Pictures of some of the changes are below.









Emotion instability: A feeling that girls/lady/woman will feel almost every month. It started last month. I controlled myself but there was a day that I just couldn’t. It comes and it goes and I got irritated by it at the end. I talked it out with love. Although there are some parts he wouldn’t be able to understand, I’m grateful that he did tried to. After all at times, I myself do not understand. But, I’ll definitely try to control my emotions as much as I can so that I won’t hurt him that much.

19th last month was late bro’s birthday. Love and I visited him a few days earlier, and we also visited love’s late paternal grandmother and my maternal grandmother.

My heart will always dropped when I look at this picture below.



It’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow. Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone (advanced wish). And...

Happy Valentine’s Day to you, love. We will not spend the day together, but I’m sure you know that I love you, always. Below, a picture of us on the 1st last month at ECP and the second picture is a heart-shaped nugget that I snapped. Both pictures dedicated to you. Love you Dy! Muah.

Labels: Picture updates, Valentine's Day 2010

It’s already 2010. Many things happened in 2009 with all the ups and downs. Well, what’s life without any ups and downs anyway, right? I’m happy with life as always.

This year is going to be a very tight year for both love and myself. We got ourselves committing to a few major involvements that require mental stability to go through them. We’ve agreed to take a step at a time (But in actual fact we’ve took a few advanced steps just by committing to those few involvements that we’re in). We will definitely help each other to go through all these together. We’ve also agreed to use our first six month in 2010 to stabilize ourselves in everything that we’re doing. Yes, we’re looking forward to 2010 and we also hope that this year is going to be a good year for us. Insya’Allah.

I haven’t been updating and this is my first post for the year 2010. Tell me about it. I’m working Monday to Friday, office hours. But, by the time I reached home, I’m already shagged due to the workload which is never ending! Furthermore, I start work at 7.30am. I am still trying to get used to the new work timing.

Now, this is the hard part, when I don’t update very often, I’ll have a little too many things to share and I do not know where to start. One month is a short period of time, but to pen down a month of happenings will take pages, really.

On the 1st of January this year, I went out for lunch with the love and his parents at the new Tekka Market because love was craving for Chendol. Heh. The most interesting part of the day was, we went to ECP, the place where we first met. The place had changed a lot. The chair we sat on was shifted to the pathway that was just constructed. I guess they are still constructing the place.

We took some photos but I don't know why the pictures cannot be transferred to my computer. I will upload pictures once I'm able to transfer them.

Somehow, I can feel that things are changing. I mean, life is always changing and that is one thing about life that makes it unpredictable and interesting you see.

Things happened with reasons and without reasons at times. Some unplanned events had to happen that makes life more interesting and challenging. We had to do certain things which we never thought of doing (very soon at least) that contribute to the unpredictable and challenging side of life. Life is never easy and life is never boring.

Sometimes, we look for trouble, and there are also times when trouble come and look for us. Tell me about it. Time to look for trouble had ended and now is the time when trouble comes and look for us. This is life. We plan, but HE decides.

Love and I are going through a lot of things, from one thing to another. Although we are struggling, we try very hard to pull through together so that everything will be alright and will be smooth. We had our plan laid out carefully and we also changed our plan according to our situation when we have to.

Getting married is easy, but the responsibilities after marriage are never easy. Trust me on this. Every time I hear the Kadi’s speech on the responsibilities of husband and wife, it really makes me tear up. It makes me feel the weight that I will be going through once I’m married. Also, I’ll be “leaving” my parents and will be under my husband care. That feeling is really very hard and it makes my heart sinks down right to the very bottom. Yes, getting married is everyone’s dream (most I’ll say because I’ve heard of people who do not want to get married) and we are happy on the happy occasion. But on the other hand, we will also feel sad and down. “There are always 2 sides to a story.” (I understand, you understand. If not, try to understand ok.)

Changes are normal in life. It is always changing and yes, everyone needs a change once in a while. There are times when we look for changes but there are also times when changes look for us. You know, like we plan not to change something but we just have to change it. I know this is like ooooooooooook.................

So actually, at the end of 2009, love and I got ourselves new necessities.
Love and I will be getting a new similar handset soon. I have to agree with love when he said Nokia is more user friendly than Sony Ericsson. Although I really like Sony Ericsson designs and functions (all because of the W960i, heh), but Nokia really beats over Sony when it comes to easier-to-use-phone. I’m changing from Sony Ericsson to Nokia while boyfriend is changing from Nokia to another Nokia. We’ll be getting the Nokia 5800 X’press Music phone. Yes, we fell in love with the phone when we first saw it. At least out of the other phones, we considered it to be the best.

We had booked the phone at M1 and will be ours only by February. We really cannot wait to get hold of the phone. We already felt excited every time we talked about the phone.

And I believe I’ll fall in love another time, this time with our new-born baby. It’s the Yamaha FZ 1000. That’s why I say, it’s really a new year for us both. We already need to do a lot but yet we still need all these things. Yes, we NEED them not that we want. Ok, it’s a need turned want =) Love and I agreed to take care of our new-born baby well. Insya’Allah, with our new-born baby, we’ll be more blessed (we already feel blessed with what we have now). I asked boyfriend the other day whether we should make our new-born baby a boy or a girl, and he said it’s a boy because he already has a baby girl (referring to me). Sweet I know. But I very gatal and replied him, “baby la sangat, besar-besar gini you panggil I baby.” And we both laughed.

Teen-age life is over and it’s hello to young adult years because there’s no more (number)-teen to my age. But, I’m still at the early age of the 20s. There are so many things to look forward to in the upcoming years.

Abang Din’s and Kak Jannah’s wedding reception were so nice. I like the decoration a lot. They adopted maroon-gold as their theme. I like their aisle with the red carpet and the side decoration. The food was not bad and I love the kuah kacang. Then, I imagined how mine will be like. But, I do not have any theme in mind yet. My all time favourite thing was there. It is the chandelier. I remember mentioning about chandelier to love. I told him I want to have a nice chandelier on our dais when we get married =)

These few days I’ve been thinking about my late brother. I even dreamt about him a few days back. Love had agreed to accompany me to visit late bro tomorrow morning.
Yes, I’m looking forward to tomorrow so much. We’ll do a few fulfilling things. We will visit my late brother and then head home to change and we’ll be off to Singapore Expo. After which, we may be heading to either Tampines or Downtown East. Bowling sounds nice to relax ourselves. We’ll see how tomorrow.

And as usual, I’ll close with a note for the love.


To my beloved Mohammad Saini Bin Arshad

Dy, it’s another new year for us. Remember our new year? We watched the unexpected-mini fireworks in front of my block. It feels good, really. All I want you to know is that I will always love you with all my heart. I really feel happy that you’re with me always. Insya’Allah this year will be a better year for us.

- Written with hugs, kisses and uncountable love -

Labels: 2009 to 2010

Not thinking of the consequences, that's how stupid I can be. As a matter of fact, when things go wrong, more and more facts surface. And I have no one to blame except for myself.

And this morning when I woke up, the first thing that came into my mind was, "I am stupid. Why am I that stupid?"